After 58th and EDJOP

Kagabi, habang nakapalibot sa lamesa matapos mag-hapunan kasama ang mga college friends ko, napunta ang usapan namin sa pagkumpara ng buhay sa Pilipinas at sa ibang bansa. Hindi pa kami nakalalayo, napunta na ang usapan sa pandemic.

Isa sa kanila ang nagsabi, “Maganda/maayos ang Pilipinas nung pandemic.”

Hindi ko napigilang magsalubong ang kilay ko, pero mabilis ko rin namang nai-unat ito. Gusto kong sumagot ng, “Saan banda?”

Paano naging maayos kung sa gitna ng isang health crisis, may mga alegasyon ng pagwaldas at maling paggamit ng public funds, overpriced at substandard na supplies, ang Pharmally scandal, at iba pang kontrobersiyang hanggang ngayon ay bahagi pa rin ng public record? Isa-isahin ko pa ba? Makikinig kaya sila?

Hindi ito ang unang pagkakataon na natagpuan ko ang sarili ko sa ganitong sitwasyon o usapan.

Pero nauuwi ako sa pananahimik. Palagi ‘yun. Hindi ako nagsasalita. ‘Yung utak ko, bumubuo na ng isasagot. Pero ‘yung bibig ko, palaging nakatikom.

Honestly, hindi naman talaga ako ‘yung tipo ng tao na makikipag-talo. Mas madalas, pinipili kong makinig. Siguro dahil umaasa ako na, balang araw, sana pakinggan din ako.

Pero sa dami ng pagkakataon na binigay sa akin para magsalita, bakit mas pinipili ko pa ring manahimik? Natatakot ba akong mawalan ng kaibigan? Natatakot ba akong makipagsagutan? Makipag-debate? Makipag-away? Hindi ko alam.

Noong Thursday, nanood ako ng 58th.

Ang 58th ay isang docu-film tungkol sa pagkawala ng journalist na si sir Reynaldo “Bebot” Momay, isa sa mga biktima ng Maguindanao massacre, at sa patuloy na paghahanap ng kanyang pamilya sa katotohanan at hustisya. Hindi ko na ikukuwento ang buong pelikula. Pero sana mapanuod niyo.

Ang bigat sa dibdib. Sobrang bigat na hanggang pauwi ako, nakaramdam na ako ng anxiety. At kinabukasan, dala ko pa rin siya.

Tinanong ako ng kaibigan kong kasama kong nanood kung magsusulat ba ako ng movie review.

“Kapag sinipag ako,” ang sagot ko.

Apparently, sinipag ako.

Today, I watched EDJOP.

At parang hindi ako makakatulog ngayong gabi kung hindi ko ilalabas ‘tong nasa utak ko. Okay lang kahit walang magbasa (sa haba nito, baka lalong wala talaga).

Ang importante, mailabas ko lang.

Sakit na talaga nating mga Filipino ang “kalimot.”

At ito ang isang bagay na parehong pinaalala sa akin ng 58th at EDJOP.

Sa 58th, nakita ko kung paano patuloy na umaasa at lumalaban ang pamilya ni sir Bebot Momay na huwag tuluyang makalimutan ang nangyari sa kanya.

Isa siya sa mga biktima ng Maguindanao massacre, isa sa pinakamadilim na trahedyang tumama sa pamamahayag sa Pilipinas. At dahil hindi na-recover ang kanyang katawan, hindi siya naisama sa isinampang kaso laban sa mga taong inakusahan sa likod ng massacre.

Ang pagkawala ng isang katawan ay naging parang pagkawala rin ng isang pangalan sa paghahanap ng hustisya.

Pero hindi siya nakalimutan ng kanyang pamilya. At sana, hindi rin natin siya kalimutan.

Pinaalala naman sa akin ng EDJOP na ang paglimot ay hindi lang nangyayari kapag lumilipas ang panahon.

Maaari rin itong mangyari kapag paulit-ulit nating hinahayaan na malunod ang kasaysayan sa disinformation, fake news, at mga kuwentong mas madaling paniwalaan dahil mas komportable silang pakinggan.

At dito ako napaisip.

Marahil ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit napakalaking bagay sa akin ng simpleng usapan kagabi. Dahil paano nga ba tayo magkakaroon ng pagkakaintindihan kung ang bawat isa sa atin ay may kanya-kanyang bersyon ng nakaraan?

May mga taong tunay na naniniwalang ang Martial Law ang “Golden Age” ng Pilipinas.

May mga taong, tulad ng pamilya ko, hindi kailanman maituturing na Golden Age ang panahong iyon.

May mga taong nagsasabing naging “safe” sila noong Duterte administration.

At may mga pamilya namang ang karanasan ay kabaligtaran nito, mga pamilyang nawalan ng anak, asawa, kapatid, o magulang sa gitna ng drug war at mga pagpatay na iniuugnay rito.

Hindi ko sinasabing mali ang naramdaman ng isang tao dahil iba ang naranasan niya.

Pero may pagkakaiba ang pagsasabing, “Ito ang naranasan ko,” sa pagsasabing, “Dahil hindi ko ito naranasan, hindi ito nangyari.”

Hindi mo pwedeng isubo at ipanguya sa ibang tao ang bersyon mo ng katotohanan dahil lang iyon ang naramdaman mo noong mga panahong iyon.

Your experience matters. But so does theirs.

At ang personal na karanasan natin ay hindi dapat maging dahilan para burahin ang karanasan ng ibang tao. Hindi rin sapat na sabihin nating, “Wala naman akong naranasan.” Dahil minsan, ang pagiging ligtas natin ay dahil hindi tayo ang nasa kabilang dulo ng karanasan.

May isang linya si sir Edgar Jopson sa EDJOP na nagbalik sa akin sa lamesang kinauupuan ko kagabi.

“Ang gusto ng kaaway ay tumahimik ka. Ang panalo nila ay kung patuloy kang tatahimik.”

Aray ko.

Sa dami ng beses na pinili kong manahimik, parang personal na tawag sa akin ‘yung linyang iyon.

Hindi naman ako political commentator. Hindi rin ako debate person. At hindi rin naman ibig sabihin na pagkatapos nito, bigla na akong magiging madaldal sa lahat ng political discussions.

Pero tonight, parang nagising ulit ‘yung ex-school newspaper journalist sa akin. So I guess, I had to write.

Hindi para makipag-away. Hindi para kumbinsihin ang lahat na pareho kami ng paniniwala. At lalong hindi para sabihin na ako lang ang may hawak ng katotohanan.

Gusto ko lang maalala natin na may mga taong iba ang naging karanasan kaysa sa atin. May mga pamilyang iba ang kuwento. May mga sugat na hindi natin nakikita dahil hindi naman tayo ang nasugatan.

Kahit gaano tayo ka-divided politically, sana may mga bagay pa rin tayong hindi kinakalimutan.

Sana kaya pa rin nating makinig sa isang kuwento na hindi tugma sa sarili nating karanasan.

Sana kaya nating sabihin, “Hindi ko iyon naranasan,” nang hindi sinusundan ng, “Kaya hindi iyon totoo.”

At higit sa lahat, sana kaya pa rin nating tingnan ang paghihirap ng ibang tao at kilalanin ang kanilang pagkatao, kahit magkaiba tayo ng paniniwala.

Dahil hindi naman kailangang pareho tayo ng opinyon para maging tao sa isa’t isa.

At may mga bagay na hindi kailangang pagtawanan, burahin, o kalimutan.

Ang mga namatay.

Ang mga naiwan.

Ang mga kuwento.

Ang kasaysayan.

Sana huwag natin silang kalimutan.

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The One Where We Grew Up

I watched a clip of Jessica Gee and Garrett Gee from The Bucket List Family where Jessica told Garrett that he is his best self when he’s around his best friends, Morgan and Alex. Garrett got emotional, and then he said something that stayed with me:

“I wish everyone had that… their childhood best friends all their lives. It’s like medicine. When I’m around them, we go back to being kids. The worries of the world go away, and we’re just… playful, joyful kids. And it’s always been that way.”

And it hit me.

I realized… I’m blessed enough to have that kind of friendship with a few people in my life.
And Yna and Terence are two of them.

We actually call each other “beshie,” but we don’t really label it as “best friends” (I dunno, ang cringe ata haha). But if I’m being real, they’re more than best friends to me, they’re family. And the funny thing is, even if we were high school classmates, our friendship didn’t really start in high school, it started after. Almost three decades ago (oo na, wag ka na mag-compute 😆).

Exactly one year ago, 1/3 of the “Three Monkeys” left the country to pursue opportunities abroad.

There was no clear plan. No timeline. We didn’t know if we’d see each other again after a few months… or much longer.

We drove Yna to the airport holding onto that hope, that things would stay the same. That this was just temporary. That we’d go back to our usual routines like nothing changed.

But God had other plans.

Yna found a job there… and life slowly started to take a different direction.

When she told us that she got the job and wouldn’t be coming back anytime soon, I cried hard that night (haha hindi nila alam ’to). I went quiet in our GC. I didn’t know how to react. I think I didn’t even open it for three days.

I won’t lie, it was difficult to adjust at first. I built a quiet routine around our Sundays. Those simple afternoons that didn’t feel like anything big but somehow meant everything.

But hey, we’re adults.

We learn to let each other grow, even if it means growing apart geographically. We support. We stay. Even miles apart.

I’m blessed to have a few solid circles of friends, pero bilang lang talaga sa daliri yung nasa “elite circle” (naks 😌). And Yna and Terence are part of that.

They’re my ride or die.

They’re the kind of people who have seen every version of me… sick, tired, lost, hopeful, and everything in between. The good, the bad, the messy, and the in-progress. And through all of it, they stayed anyway. Walang filter, walang pressure (ay… minsan may pressure pala 😂). Just… presence.

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For Terence,
You may not always be the calm in the chaos (ikaw pa nga minsan unang nagpapanic 😂), but in your own way, you’ve always been someone we can rely on. You naturally take on that “kuya” role, especially when it’s just the three of us. Ikaw yung paalala nang paalala na mag-ingat, yung taga-check kung okay ba kami, and somehow, also the extrovert we push forward whenever we need to ask strangers for directions (kahit ayaw mo minsan haha).

Yung tipong kahit walang grand gestures, you show up in ways that matter. There’s a quiet loyalty in you that makes people feel safe, like no matter what happens, you’ll be there. And I think that’s rare.

Of course, we’ve also seen your “tito era” in full force this past year. Moody, madaling magbago ang isip, maiksi ang pasensya, mainipin (complete package 😌). But I guess that’s part of getting old este growing up too. And through all of that, one thing never changed… you’re still that same loyal, dependable friend we’ve always known.

And I may not say this often, but I’m really proud of you! How you’re quietly building your future, making smart choices, and setting yourself up for what’s ahead.

Thank you for being that constant.

For Yna,
You’ve always been the quiet strength among us, the referee whenever Terence and I clash 😂. You have this calm way of holding space, of listening first before speaking, and somehow bringing us back to balance without making it a big deal.

You’re a silent warrior. You don’t always show what you’re going through, and you tend to carry things on your own. That’s why it means so much to me whenever you choose to be vulnerable with us. Because in those moments, I get to see a deeper, more human side of you (hindi ka pala mutant, charot 😆).

For the longest time, you’ve been someone who quietly takes care of others, who shows up for the people you love without asking for anything in return. So, seeing you choose yourself this past year, your “ako naman” era, means so much. And while I miss you here, I’m so proud of you for choosing and prioritizing yourself.

You may not have perfect pitch when you sing, and your dance moves don’t always follow the beat (sorry na beshie, hindi mo talaga hawak ang beat 😂), but I miss how you bring a certain kind of rhythm into our friendship. You have this gentle presence that makes everything feel lighter, calmer, more grounded.

Thank you for showing us that strength doesn’t always have to be loud. Sometimes, it’s quiet, steady, and deeply rooted. And through you, I’ve learned that growth sometimes means letting go and trusting that the people who matter will never really leave.

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What pushed me to write this?

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s because it’s their birthday month. Maybe I miss them a little extra this month. April used to mean trips, laughter, shared meals, and celebrating life together. We can’t do that now, not the same way, at least.

But I’ve come to realize… maybe that’s the beauty of it.

Things change. Life moves. People move.

But some friendships?

They don’t fade.

They become something steadier. Something quieter. Something that feels like home, no matter how far you are.

I don’t know what the future holds. But one thing I’m sure of is this:

No matter where life takes us, I will always find my way back to that feeling, the kind that only Yna and Terence bring.

The kind that feels like home.

Haynakooo.

Happy birthday mga beshie!💖

#monkeysforlife 🙉🙈🙊

In the Middle of It All

I saw this on my feed:

It hit me because it brought me back to what happened in April and May. Losing my job. Getting sick. Feeling like everything was crumbling all at once.

I did get a new job after a month of rest. So technically, the replacement came. But if I’m being honest, I still feel lost. Work is there, but I still feel stuck. My health still feels shaky, and the anxiety is something I carry every single day. It creeps in even when things look fine on the outside.

There are mornings when I wake up and it already feels like I’ve run a marathon. My thoughts are non-stop, jumping from one worry to another. I tell myself to relax, to just breathe, but it doesn’t always work. I want to feel at peace, but my body doesn’t always get the memo.

Still, when I look back, I know God has been there through all of it. Through the waiting. Through the days when I didn’t think I could take another step. I lose sight of that sometimes, especially when things get rough, but He never left me.

I don’t have a lesson here or a neat way to wrap this up. This is just me admitting that I’m still in the middle of it, still figuring things out, and maybe writing this is my way of not letting the noise inside win.

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Trolls

“You shouldn’t let other opinions affect you.” Easier said than done. I failed to do that last night.

We’ve often heard the advice to avoid discussions on religion and politics, especially in public spaces. But I grew up in a family that encouraged political awareness, critical thinking, and standing by our values. With 73 days left before the Philippine midterm elections, I found myself breaking my usual silence on social media. I rarely comment on public posts, but this time, I couldn’t help but express my continued support for a political candidate whose advocacy – particularly in agriculture – resonates deeply with me.

What followed was a wave of attacks from online trolls. I knew they were likely dummy accounts, some even paid, yet their words got to me. I had a hard time sleeping. I even checked their profiles, confirming what I already suspected: low friend counts, no real profile pictures, and all aligned with a political dynasty currently facing multiple legal challenges.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this here. Maybe I just wanted to be far from trolls. Maybe I needed to let this out. I might delete this post, or I might not. But one thing is for sure… I’m still learning how to choose my battles.

I badly wanted to argue, to defend myself, to throw a reverse card and make them realize how blind they are. But at the end of the day, what would that change? Some battles just aren’t worth the energy.. I’m learning that not every comment needs a response, and not every attack needs to be countered. Controlling my emotions, stepping back, and choosing when to engage – that takes more strength than any argument.

Maybe that’s the real challenge, both online and in life.

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